Closeted Gay Male. I Hate My Life
I am a 21 year old closeted gay male and nobody knows
about my situation. Though being gay, I still walk, talk, look and act just
like any straight guy you see out there, probably even more masculine than
most. Except my sexual attraction is with the same sex. I'm a straight man
stuck in a gay man's body.
Living a double standard life is very hard and
depressing. I question myself everyday why and how I turned like this. I hate
my life because of my sexuality. It brings me into an emotional roller coaster
everytime I think of it. My life now only consists of work and gym time. I
rarely go out because I don't have alot of friends. I've lost most of my
friends during my depression times when I was in high school. That was the time
I confirmed I was really gay. All my friends now are all male and all straight.
Straight men my age have only one thing in mind --- women --- so everytime we
do go out, it's always hitting on girls are the bar... Don't get me wrong, it's
fun and I'm really good at it, but I am just not interested in women at all. I
get mixed of emotions when I see my friends with their girlfriends or with
girls, hugging and laughing together. I feel sad, angry and depressed inside
because it's what I want but I cannot have.
For a 21 year old, I consider myself successful and
very mature. I run my own business, I drive a nice car that I paid all by
myself, I pay my own bills, I support my parents and I am very independent.
People my age envy me and wish they have the work ethics I have. They think
that my life is perfect because of what I have and everything I have
accomplished, but being a scared "closet gay", they don't know the
imprisonment lifestyle I am living. If I was straight, I would say that my life
would be perfect, but being gay and in the closet is bringing such a huge
negative effect in my life and it's gradually messing me up.
I've always had girlfriends, but I have been single
for half a year now. Like any 21 year old, I have a very high sex drive. Being
gay, of course, my preference is with a man. Being gay and being in the closet,
I do not know any gay friends. My only network is the internet, which, have a
very limited number of guys and it seems like all the guys online have had sex
with each other already. I've already hooked up with several guys and I really
hate doing it. Actually, I despise it. I always judge people and give them a
bad "label" for having multiple sexual partners and in this case, I
am being a hypocrit because I myself is doing it. I want this to stop. I don't
want to have sex with random people. I I
am scared of catching any disease or virus. I want a monogamous relationship.
Ultimately, bottom line, I just want to come out to my
family and friends. I want them to know who I really am because I am tired of
hiding my real identity. I know they will accept me for who I am, but I am
scared. I don't want my siblings to treat me differently especially my
brothers. Also my friends. They are all homophobic.
I just want to live freely. I want to be ME. I just
wish that if I do come out to people, they will realize that I will still be me
and I will not change. I will not turn feminine, I will not start wearing make
up, I will still have my manly voice, everything!
It's 3AM on a saturday. I wrote this because I have no
one to turn to or to talk to.
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